the godly single woman

Overcoming the Fear of Never Getting a Husband

by with No Comment DatingRelationshipsSingle life

Written by

Kellen

Ladies, the fear of never getting a husband is responsible for most of the unfortunate decisions we make concerning the men we choose to date and keep.

When you are worried that you might end up alone, you privilege anyone over the appropriate one. Then you start making excuses for a man whose values do not align with yours because you are trying to make sure you are not left out. A man who professes Christianity but does not bear the fruit of the Spirit or care to live according to God’s word is a no for a Christian woman to consider dating but you are willing to let him hang around as you talk him into doing things right because you think no one else will come around.

We humans were made to thrive in relationships and so it is a natural desire to want to cultivate relationships with those around us. Our need for relationship is even supported by God when He said that two are better than one. (Ecclesiastes 4:9)  

What would Cause you to doubt that you will find a life partner?

For most women, the quality of father-daughter relationship they had greatly determines how they choose who they date in their adulthood. When a girl had an absent dad let’s say, it is easy to feel like she is not worth loving and that she may not get a guy to commit to her. This worry then causes her to not be in position to be prudent when a guy comes around because her major focus is on keeping him and not making sure he is safe to keep.

The other reason that cause someone to doubt that they will get a husband is social conditioning. Our society promotes the idea of being married by a certain age so when you are way past that age and no one is pairing up with you, it is easy to start worrying that you will miss out. We look at being alone for a while as a punishment because our society has made it seem like it’s more important to be coupled up than to be single. So, we find ourselves emptied of the ability to hold out for the person that will align with our values because we think we’ll be missing out on getting married.

Replacing the lies with the truth…

First, If you grew up in a home with an absent dad whether it was because of separation/ divorce or death, in your singleness, lean in to God as the father of the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). Allow yourself to find in Him what you believe you would have got from a dad before you choose to just find a mate to fill the void. When you feel lonely, unsafe, financially unsupported, reach out first to God for help and company before you plug into dating sites and setting yourself up to get hooked. He is the ultimate helper (Psalm 121:2). 

The problem with trying to run after guys to fill the void is that it puts you at a high propensity to settle for less. Because you want company and support, you might not be willing to put up standards that a guy should meet to be part of your life or you might be quick to break them just to accommodate him.

Secondly, consider your singleness as a time to wait appropriately for the right person who God will connect you to at his perfect time. Contrary to society’s conditioning that a woman ought to marry by a certain age, maybe within her 20s, God says there is a time for everything. As long as you are walking with God, at the right time He will make it happen (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

The other solution is to see the good in yourself outside of a relationship. Truthfully your value is not tied to possessing a certain thing including marriage. Your value is intrinsic. Your inner qualities such as kindness, heart of service, meekness, etc. are all things that make you valuable to God and to society. Do not write yourself off because of the external possessions you do not yet have because their only role is to enhance life.

Thanks for coming this far into this blog, I hope it has been helpful. For more help on safely navigating your season of singleness, please get a copy of my book Journey to Wholeness that will help you get the healing and strengthening you need to wait appropriately for your mate.

 

AdobeStock_523131622_Preview

Four mistakes that trap women in Toxic Dating Relationships

by with No Comment Christian adviceDatingFaithRelationships

Essentially, dating is so that you can take time to analyze if you can spend the rest of your life with someone in a marriage relationship. It should not really be a hurtful, devastating, and devaluing experience then but yet so many women have a part of their story that is shaded with a prolonged stay in a dating relationship where they were being manipulated, their values were being dismissed or even were forced to have babies outside of wedlock as a way to prove our fertility to the prospect husband! Here are four mistakes that women make that trap them in such experiences;

Choosing to work around red flags instead of leaving

The concept of red flags in dating is used with reference to traffic where the red light simply means stop, don’t move. Since relationships are built on character, red flags are those character attributes that cannot support a healthy relationship. Disrespect, dishonesty, manipulation, someone who pushes you to compromise your values, lack of loyalty, lack of self-control, Physical violence, emotional abuse selfishness, sexual immorality, and poor communication are all traits that potentially ruin a relationship. All these characters are rooted in ungodliness or a lack of reverence for God and no one that does not love God truly will love another person fully.

Not setting clear and strong boundaries

Setting boundaries in relationships is all about defining how far people can come into your life and how you expect them to treat you. Things like how much of your time you are willing to give them and how far into your space can they come are what you are defining when you set boundaries. when you can’t clearly state your boundaries and be strong enough to stand your ground, your relationships suffer. You get taken advantage of by way of others getting you to meet their needs at the expense of your own and without them caring to reciprocate.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it comes every other issue.” – Proverbs 4:23

Boundaries do just that— help us to guard our hearts from traumas, betrayals, crushing disrespect, and even sin which are likely to happen to us if we just carelessly let people into every space of our lives even when they don’t qualify.

Setting unrealistic timelines of when you should get married

Marriage is for every adult who desires it but there isn’t a specific age limit to do it. Nevertheless, there is a lie (Revelations 12:9) flying around in society that romance is a qualification for a good life and the greatest happiness is found in a relationship with a boyfriend (or husband) so most young women pursue getting hooked as soon as possible even when they are not ready for marriage.

Speaking of readiness for marriage, Marshall Segal (writer and managing editor at desiringGod.org) challenges us to have serious questions about maturity and stability; Has our boyfriend or girlfriend matured enough to have any idea what they might be like as a husband or wife for the next fifty years? Have we really matured enough? Will one or both of us be able to provide for a family financially? Has his or her faith in Jesus been tested enough by trials to be confident it’s real?

Taking responsibility for other people’s bad behavior

The man you’re dating is not your child. It is not your job to mother him so if he comes with poor character such as a lack of respect for your boundaries, lack of self-control and therefore wanting to engage you in premarital sex because he can’t wait or outright immaturity where he wants the relationship to be entirely focused on only his needs. Your role as a helpmeet is to help him with fulfilling the purpose of his life or to pull him out of the strands of bad behaviour. People do not change because someone is forcing them to but because they want to.

Since your choices in life are governed by your thought patterns, I believe what you tolerate in your dating experiences or single lady season is dependent on how you think about yourself. I wrote the book “Journey to Wholeness: Learning to Value Yourself as a Single Lady” to help hundreds of women to cultivate the mindset they need to attract healthy dating relationships that can set them up for success.

You can get your copy here or on Amazon, it will elevate your life.

white Home Decoration Facebook Cover (1)

Help, am stuck in a hurtful relationship

by with 4 Comments Christian adviceDatingRelationshipsSingle life

Written by Kellen Kenlyn Nakaye

Toxic dating relationships can be difficult to exit but it is possible to move on from them. Let us identify what a toxic relationship is, why you can be stuck in one, and what to do to let it go.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 gives us a blueprint of what a healthy relationship should look like;

Two are better than one; because they have a more satisfying return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion: but woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.

In a toxic relationship, nothing is mutual! Rather it is about one person trying to control another. People become controlling when they harden their hearts towards God. This lack of submission to God rips them of the natural joy and peace that comes from having that relationship so they turn to selfishly using others to find their joy.

Toying with another person’s emotions and mind just to be seen and served even when there is nothing worth being recognized and applauded for is what thrills a toxic person’s life. This tendency is mostly referred to as Narcissism in today’s psychology and it is the major contributor to a relationship being toxic.

Narcissists are people who have an inflated sense of self-worth. They don’t submit to God because they see themselves as a god. Their prideful nature tells them that they are above everyone and everyone ought to stand in awe of them yet most of the time, there is seldom anything worthy of praise in their lives. They only act like they are good but at heart, they harbor the evil of continually seeking to pull others down so they can always seem ahead of everyone.

Let me draw a picture of a toxic relationship for you using my own experience;

MAKING EXCUSES FOR IMMORALITY

We were both professing Christians and so when it came to dating I expected and even proposed we were to pursue purity. He agreed to it but he kept disrespecting the boundaries I set because he was not willing to exercise self-control. To dismiss my boundaries intended to observe purity, he kept calling marriage “it’s just a paper” claiming that hanging out outdoors was for people who don’t want to get married and, that since he observes all the other Christian values, engaging in sexual sin wouldn’t be that big of a deal!” While I didn’t give in to sex, keeping him around was very detrimental to me because I was constantly having to deal with the manipulation, threats, and emotional abuse in his effort to break my confidence and cause me to give in.

NEVER APOLOGIZING FOR / ADMITTING WRONG

He could never be wrong even if he was obviously wrong. Instead, he would play the victim always and shift the blame. This is typical of narcissistic people because they always don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take responsibility for their mistake and apologize for it.

DECEPTIVE SPEECH

He was always twisting the word of God to fit his wants. Like how could he dismiss my persistence on us pursuing holy matrimony instead of the cohabiting and first having children that he was proposing by claiming “Marriage is just a paper.” No, it’s not. It is a covenant built on godly character and it matters to follow godly steps to enter it. 

You see having a child with someone and leaving with them before marriage does not guarantee that they will marry you and that God blesses your relationship! 

Beware lest any man spoil you through Philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. – Colossians 2:8

The list goes on and on so let me leave it at that and go into  why you could be staying in that kind of relationship and what you need to know so you can let go; 

Fear of being alone

Desperately wanting other people’s company because you believe the lie that when you are single you are alone is how so many of us end up allowing whoever comes instead of the appropriate one. The truth is, we cannot be with a person 24/7 minute by minute, even a spouse but we are never alone because God is ever present with us.

……”I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” – God, Hebrews 13:5

The sunk cost fallacy

This is the phenomenon where a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

Yes after we have invested time, effort, and money in a relationship, it can be so hurtful to have to choose to walk away from it but let me ask you this question. If you knew all the things that make him/her a bad choice before investing, would you still be choosing him/her to be a part of your life?

Low self-esteem

I am not good enough, nobody can truly choose or love me, I don’t have what it takes to get the best, etc are the kinds of thoughts that constantly run through your mind when you have low self-esteem. Then, they make you latch onto anyone that asks you out, brushing off every red flag/ undesirable character you see about them because you do not want to deal with the lies you have believed about yourself. It is not a relationship that validates you. You are already valid as God’s creation and he even gave Jesus to die in your place (John 3:16) so you can live and accomplish the exploits he created you for!

Other popular reasons I will not elaborate here include; you already engaged, you have had sex and you have had a child. All these and the above are not valid reasons to stay in a toxic dating relationship because it only tears you apart.

SO HOW DO YOU GET OUT?

For me it was realizing that I don’t have to earn marriage through excruciating pain. I was holding on because I really wanted to get married. I looked at marriage as where true living would begin so much that i’d put pursuing my goals on hold just to first solidify a relationship!

Toxic relationships cause much more pains compared to the ones you think you will experience by being single. Yes, singleness may not be desirable when you are of marriage age but it is not a prison, and God’s way out for you cannot be through a demeaning, destructive relationship. He has good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11) including; giving you a loving, supportive spouse in his perfect time.

To this end, trust God and ask him to give you the strength to let go because you cannot talk a person into doing right by you. For me to let go, God gave me a dream where I saw myself trying to talk to this person to make the right decision but he wasn’t yielding to me and the situation got worse when I persisted so I had to just step aside.

Also, surround yourself with people who are in healthy relationships (such as a thriving married Christian couple). This can help you to weigh if what you are in will really lead to a happy ending or not and inspire you to let go of someone who doesn’t treat you as per God’s standards.

If you’re a Single Lady reading this, check out my new book, “Journey to Wholeness”