the godly single woman

Overcoming the Fear of Never Getting a Husband

by with No Comment DatingRelationshipsSingle life

Written by

Kellen

Ladies, the fear of never getting a husband is responsible for most of the unfortunate decisions we make concerning the men we choose to date and keep.

When you are worried that you might end up alone, you privilege anyone over the appropriate one. Then you start making excuses for a man whose values do not align with yours because you are trying to make sure you are not left out. A man who professes Christianity but does not bear the fruit of the Spirit or care to live according to God’s word is a no for a Christian woman to consider dating but you are willing to let him hang around as you talk him into doing things right because you think no one else will come around.

We humans were made to thrive in relationships and so it is a natural desire to want to cultivate relationships with those around us. Our need for relationship is even supported by God when He said that two are better than one. (Ecclesiastes 4:9)  

What would Cause you to doubt that you will find a life partner?

For most women, the quality of father-daughter relationship they had greatly determines how they choose who they date in their adulthood. When a girl had an absent dad let’s say, it is easy to feel like she is not worth loving and that she may not get a guy to commit to her. This worry then causes her to not be in position to be prudent when a guy comes around because her major focus is on keeping him and not making sure he is safe to keep.

The other reason that cause someone to doubt that they will get a husband is social conditioning. Our society promotes the idea of being married by a certain age so when you are way past that age and no one is pairing up with you, it is easy to start worrying that you will miss out. We look at being alone for a while as a punishment because our society has made it seem like it’s more important to be coupled up than to be single. So, we find ourselves emptied of the ability to hold out for the person that will align with our values because we think we’ll be missing out on getting married.

Replacing the lies with the truth…

First, If you grew up in a home with an absent dad whether it was because of separation/ divorce or death, in your singleness, lean in to God as the father of the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). Allow yourself to find in Him what you believe you would have got from a dad before you choose to just find a mate to fill the void. When you feel lonely, unsafe, financially unsupported, reach out first to God for help and company before you plug into dating sites and setting yourself up to get hooked. He is the ultimate helper (Psalm 121:2). 

The problem with trying to run after guys to fill the void is that it puts you at a high propensity to settle for less. Because you want company and support, you might not be willing to put up standards that a guy should meet to be part of your life or you might be quick to break them just to accommodate him.

Secondly, consider your singleness as a time to wait appropriately for the right person who God will connect you to at his perfect time. Contrary to society’s conditioning that a woman ought to marry by a certain age, maybe within her 20s, God says there is a time for everything. As long as you are walking with God, at the right time He will make it happen (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

The other solution is to see the good in yourself outside of a relationship. Truthfully your value is not tied to possessing a certain thing including marriage. Your value is intrinsic. Your inner qualities such as kindness, heart of service, meekness, etc. are all things that make you valuable to God and to society. Do not write yourself off because of the external possessions you do not yet have because their only role is to enhance life.

Thanks for coming this far into this blog, I hope it has been helpful. For more help on safely navigating your season of singleness, please get a copy of my book Journey to Wholeness that will help you get the healing and strengthening you need to wait appropriately for your mate.

 

friendship red flags

Friendship red flags

by with One Comment Christian adviceLifestyleRelationships

Written by Kellen Nakaye

We all vote for friendships that are enjoyable, full of emotional support through life’s challenges, and in which we are held accountable to becoming the best versions of ourselves.

Nevertheless, there are types of people who if you made friends with, it is to your own detriment. Spending time with them leaves you drained and your association with these kinds of people over a period of time hinders your personal development.

Let us explore the characteristics of friends who are not a great fit for you to entangle with so that you do not get a lot of your time wasted in non-rewarding associations;

The User

He/she only sticks around when things are going well for you but will disappears in times of despair. Even before your misery shows up, they tend to call only when they need something. For all the help, and listening ear you give them, they tend to show that they are bothered when you want the same from them. God says in his word that a friend loves all the time; that means they love you when you are up and stand with you when you are struggling. These are the kind of people who if you share your own struggles with them, are quick to tell you something worse in their lives so that they counter your submission and all the empathy still goes only to them. This kind of friend invalidates your feelings.

A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17

The Gossiper

For this one, every time you meet up, they can’t help but bring up someone else’s business! Sometimes it is confidential information that another person entrusted to them but they can’t help but dish it out, not for trying to seek a solution but just to talk about it. Trust me, friend, that kind of person also goes back and talks about you.

Such people are fond of character assassination because for them it is a habit to seek approval by putting others down in a way to portray themselves as a much more desirable person. In general, these kinds of people always discuss problems but not solutions or visions. 

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.
Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)

Now there is when someone uses another person’s story to maybe edify you or drive across a point. In this case, because the intention is positive, it is done respectfully, even by concealing names but when it is gossip, it comes off as putting the subject of the story down.

The ones who like belittling you

They don’t want to see you doing better than you are right now. So, they will frown at or dismiss any bigger plans you share. They always respond to you like you are incapable of doing any better than you are right now. They enjoy getting you to support their endeavors but they can’t do the same for you. I mean there is always some reason why they can’t buy your products or come to your event! They’ll make belittling statements about you and then claim they were joking if you confront them about it. They say anything at any time about you to put you down and (possibly) embarrass you in front of other people. 

A true friend will care to sharpen and build you up.

As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. ~ Proverbs 27:17 (NKJV)

The one who acts like they are doing you a favor

It’s like they need you to reward them for every effort they put into the friendship as if your company and the great advice you share don’t bring value to them. This person acts like if they extend such gestures they have to be paid off. Sounds like ‘am too important to be your friend but if I am then you have to pay!’ So they don’t even reach out to you until they need something. Do you really need a one-sided friendship?

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

They pressure you into things

You know you have a mind of your own and sometimes you can decide on what you will and will not do. A good friend knows how to respect and understand your boundaries. A controlling friend wants to insist that you go where you said you didn’t want to go even after you’ve explained your reasons to them. They are more about exercising control and who wants a controlling friend?

Here is a fictional story that depicts the effects of bad friendships;

A man took a glass of water and placed it on the table. Due to some urgent work, he went out of the room. Next to the glass of water, was a bottle of poison. Looking at the water, poison smiled and said, “Your life will end soon because that man will drink you.”

Those words terrified the water and it asked the poison to suggest a way to escape from this problem. Poison replied, “I will give a drop from me to you and that will change your colour. When the man sees your colour change, he will not drink you.” The water felt happy and found a saviour in poison.

Water requested poison to mix a drop of itself into the water so that the man won’t drink it. Poison mixed a drop into the water and the colour of the water changed. The man returned and took the glass of water to drink. When he saw the colour change, he left the room without drinking the water.

His action thrilled the water and said, “My friend poison saved me”. Water then told Poison, “Now you can change me to the original condition and colour.”

With a simple smile, poison replied, “friend, I can only mix with the water, but I cannot take back from the water. Now you are poison and not pure water.”

Final thoughts

Beloved, with those few remarks, take time to revise your friendships. Are you growing in them, are you being given a shoulder to cry on when you need one?

It’s ok to have a few quality friends than a multitude of people that don’t help you to become a better person or hinder you from being who God has called you to be.

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed. ~ Proverbs 13:20 (NKJV)

So, be bold and let go of those who exhibit such toxic traits.   Above all, work on being a great friend yourself;

Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, Nor go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity; Better is a neighbor nearby than a brother far away. Proverb 27:10

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Four mistakes that trap women in Toxic Dating Relationships

by with No Comment Christian adviceDatingFaithRelationships

Essentially, dating is so that you can take time to analyze if you can spend the rest of your life with someone in a marriage relationship. It should not really be a hurtful, devastating, and devaluing experience then but yet so many women have a part of their story that is shaded with a prolonged stay in a dating relationship where they were being manipulated, their values were being dismissed or even were forced to have babies outside of wedlock as a way to prove our fertility to the prospect husband! Here are four mistakes that women make that trap them in such experiences;

Choosing to work around red flags instead of leaving

The concept of red flags in dating is used with reference to traffic where the red light simply means stop, don’t move. Since relationships are built on character, red flags are those character attributes that cannot support a healthy relationship. Disrespect, dishonesty, manipulation, someone who pushes you to compromise your values, lack of loyalty, lack of self-control, Physical violence, emotional abuse selfishness, sexual immorality, and poor communication are all traits that potentially ruin a relationship. All these characters are rooted in ungodliness or a lack of reverence for God and no one that does not love God truly will love another person fully.

Not setting clear and strong boundaries

Setting boundaries in relationships is all about defining how far people can come into your life and how you expect them to treat you. Things like how much of your time you are willing to give them and how far into your space can they come are what you are defining when you set boundaries. when you can’t clearly state your boundaries and be strong enough to stand your ground, your relationships suffer. You get taken advantage of by way of others getting you to meet their needs at the expense of your own and without them caring to reciprocate.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it comes every other issue.” – Proverbs 4:23

Boundaries do just that— help us to guard our hearts from traumas, betrayals, crushing disrespect, and even sin which are likely to happen to us if we just carelessly let people into every space of our lives even when they don’t qualify.

Setting unrealistic timelines of when you should get married

Marriage is for every adult who desires it but there isn’t a specific age limit to do it. Nevertheless, there is a lie (Revelations 12:9) flying around in society that romance is a qualification for a good life and the greatest happiness is found in a relationship with a boyfriend (or husband) so most young women pursue getting hooked as soon as possible even when they are not ready for marriage.

Speaking of readiness for marriage, Marshall Segal (writer and managing editor at desiringGod.org) challenges us to have serious questions about maturity and stability; Has our boyfriend or girlfriend matured enough to have any idea what they might be like as a husband or wife for the next fifty years? Have we really matured enough? Will one or both of us be able to provide for a family financially? Has his or her faith in Jesus been tested enough by trials to be confident it’s real?

Taking responsibility for other people’s bad behavior

The man you’re dating is not your child. It is not your job to mother him so if he comes with poor character such as a lack of respect for your boundaries, lack of self-control and therefore wanting to engage you in premarital sex because he can’t wait or outright immaturity where he wants the relationship to be entirely focused on only his needs. Your role as a helpmeet is to help him with fulfilling the purpose of his life or to pull him out of the strands of bad behaviour. People do not change because someone is forcing them to but because they want to.

Since your choices in life are governed by your thought patterns, I believe what you tolerate in your dating experiences or single lady season is dependent on how you think about yourself. I wrote the book “Journey to Wholeness: Learning to Value Yourself as a Single Lady” to help hundreds of women to cultivate the mindset they need to attract healthy dating relationships that can set them up for success.

You can get your copy here or on Amazon, it will elevate your life.

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How a woman’s choice of spouse affects her career progress

by with No Comment Christian advicePersonal growthRelationshipsSingle life
Written by Kellen Kenlyn Nakaye

All around us, it is evident that one of the things that affect one’s career progress is who one chooses to date and eventually marry. Cheryl Sandberg, former Meta COO also confirmed the observation when she said “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.”

Lady, if the man you are closely relating with is conscientious and cooperative, it is highly likely that he will influence and challenge you to give your best in your career as well as support you to follow through with your obligations. Furthermore, if he is God revering, he will see to it that you stay in the safe space of your own ongoing relationship with God; a place from which you will draw your greatest strength to navigate life’s ups and downs.

Researchers from Washington University in St. Louis conducted a study covering almost 5,000 married people between the ages of 19 and 89 over a span of five years and found that the only spousal trait that was important to an employee’s work outcomes was conscientiousness. For both male and female partners conscientiousness was seen to be the major personality trait that predicts future job satisfaction, income, and likelihood of promotion.

On the other, relating with a toxic man drains your energy, motivation, and time because they constantly need your attention and constant reassurance of your love for them so that they can validate themselves all that while not caring to reciprocate as it should be. A toxic man does not know how to be happy on their own and is usually not on good terms with God so they seek an individual who they can use to entertain themselves and hence they have to be controlling to keep the individual in their grasp. This dynamic eventually causes your work performance to decline because when you are being controlled and abused by a toxic person in a close relationship, you become too tired from giving all your attention to your partner’s every single need, sometimes involving in fights that take a toll on your mental wellbeing.

What usually ties women in toxic relationships is their inability to see their value. When a woman doesn’t acknowledge that she is valuable, she will not see what she offers the world and others and how it is equal in measure to what others have to offer. Because she is so enamoured with thinking that other people’s company and love are a favour she does not deserve, she may attract/ put up with men who do not value women. She goes on to easily forgive all types of abuse and violence out of fantasizing that her love interest has the potential to change and do much better than he is right now!

So many things including unhealed childhood trauma, taking our identity from the world instead of God, etc. cause so many women to undervalue themselves and end up settling for troublesome men. The only sure way for a woman to stir clear of toxic relationships is by learning to value herself enough to be selective of who she allows in her life.

If you need help healing from trauma, learning to value yourself as a Single Lady, and adopting a Christ-influenced approach to life and relationships, get a copy of my new book; “Journey to Wholeness; Learning to Value Yourself as a Single Lady”

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Help, am stuck in a hurtful relationship

by with 4 Comments Christian adviceDatingRelationshipsSingle life

Written by Kellen Kenlyn Nakaye

Toxic dating relationships can be difficult to exit but it is possible to move on from them. Let us identify what a toxic relationship is, why you can be stuck in one, and what to do to let it go.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 gives us a blueprint of what a healthy relationship should look like;

Two are better than one; because they have a more satisfying return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion: but woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.

In a toxic relationship, nothing is mutual! Rather it is about one person trying to control another. People become controlling when they harden their hearts towards God. This lack of submission to God rips them of the natural joy and peace that comes from having that relationship so they turn to selfishly using others to find their joy.

Toying with another person’s emotions and mind just to be seen and served even when there is nothing worth being recognized and applauded for is what thrills a toxic person’s life. This tendency is mostly referred to as Narcissism in today’s psychology and it is the major contributor to a relationship being toxic.

Narcissists are people who have an inflated sense of self-worth. They don’t submit to God because they see themselves as a god. Their prideful nature tells them that they are above everyone and everyone ought to stand in awe of them yet most of the time, there is seldom anything worthy of praise in their lives. They only act like they are good but at heart, they harbor the evil of continually seeking to pull others down so they can always seem ahead of everyone.

Let me draw a picture of a toxic relationship for you using my own experience;

MAKING EXCUSES FOR IMMORALITY

We were both professing Christians and so when it came to dating I expected and even proposed we were to pursue purity. He agreed to it but he kept disrespecting the boundaries I set because he was not willing to exercise self-control. To dismiss my boundaries intended to observe purity, he kept calling marriage “it’s just a paper” claiming that hanging out outdoors was for people who don’t want to get married and, that since he observes all the other Christian values, engaging in sexual sin wouldn’t be that big of a deal!” While I didn’t give in to sex, keeping him around was very detrimental to me because I was constantly having to deal with the manipulation, threats, and emotional abuse in his effort to break my confidence and cause me to give in.

NEVER APOLOGIZING FOR / ADMITTING WRONG

He could never be wrong even if he was obviously wrong. Instead, he would play the victim always and shift the blame. This is typical of narcissistic people because they always don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take responsibility for their mistake and apologize for it.

DECEPTIVE SPEECH

He was always twisting the word of God to fit his wants. Like how could he dismiss my persistence on us pursuing holy matrimony instead of the cohabiting and first having children that he was proposing by claiming “Marriage is just a paper.” No, it’s not. It is a covenant built on godly character and it matters to follow godly steps to enter it. 

You see having a child with someone and leaving with them before marriage does not guarantee that they will marry you and that God blesses your relationship! 

Beware lest any man spoil you through Philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. – Colossians 2:8

The list goes on and on so let me leave it at that and go into  why you could be staying in that kind of relationship and what you need to know so you can let go; 

Fear of being alone

Desperately wanting other people’s company because you believe the lie that when you are single you are alone is how so many of us end up allowing whoever comes instead of the appropriate one. The truth is, we cannot be with a person 24/7 minute by minute, even a spouse but we are never alone because God is ever present with us.

……”I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” – God, Hebrews 13:5

The sunk cost fallacy

This is the phenomenon where a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

Yes after we have invested time, effort, and money in a relationship, it can be so hurtful to have to choose to walk away from it but let me ask you this question. If you knew all the things that make him/her a bad choice before investing, would you still be choosing him/her to be a part of your life?

Low self-esteem

I am not good enough, nobody can truly choose or love me, I don’t have what it takes to get the best, etc are the kinds of thoughts that constantly run through your mind when you have low self-esteem. Then, they make you latch onto anyone that asks you out, brushing off every red flag/ undesirable character you see about them because you do not want to deal with the lies you have believed about yourself. It is not a relationship that validates you. You are already valid as God’s creation and he even gave Jesus to die in your place (John 3:16) so you can live and accomplish the exploits he created you for!

Other popular reasons I will not elaborate here include; you already engaged, you have had sex and you have had a child. All these and the above are not valid reasons to stay in a toxic dating relationship because it only tears you apart.

SO HOW DO YOU GET OUT?

For me it was realizing that I don’t have to earn marriage through excruciating pain. I was holding on because I really wanted to get married. I looked at marriage as where true living would begin so much that i’d put pursuing my goals on hold just to first solidify a relationship!

Toxic relationships cause much more pains compared to the ones you think you will experience by being single. Yes, singleness may not be desirable when you are of marriage age but it is not a prison, and God’s way out for you cannot be through a demeaning, destructive relationship. He has good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11) including; giving you a loving, supportive spouse in his perfect time.

To this end, trust God and ask him to give you the strength to let go because you cannot talk a person into doing right by you. For me to let go, God gave me a dream where I saw myself trying to talk to this person to make the right decision but he wasn’t yielding to me and the situation got worse when I persisted so I had to just step aside.

Also, surround yourself with people who are in healthy relationships (such as a thriving married Christian couple). This can help you to weigh if what you are in will really lead to a happy ending or not and inspire you to let go of someone who doesn’t treat you as per God’s standards.

If you’re a Single Lady reading this, check out my new book, “Journey to Wholeness”